i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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