It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
