My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
