naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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