I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
