How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
