My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
