You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you didnt know i had herpes?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
