im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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