Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
