My Higher Power is John Stamos
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
