There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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