dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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