How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
