careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
