Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
