I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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