Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The power of my boobs compel you
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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