If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
