i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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