I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
