happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
