So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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