He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
