I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
