Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
You smell like stripper and shame
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
