ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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