He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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