He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You've changed since you got that strap on
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
