i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Randomize
