y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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