Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
