I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
