i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
