Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
