Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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