so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
