i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
