my mouth tastes like poor choices
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
