I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
