I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
