I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Come share oat with me in your robe
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
