Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
