I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
