i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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