my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
