I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
