I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
