my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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