drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
